Sunday, July 19, 2009,5:10 AM
Right now, I am still clueless about things. I never thought we would end up this way. This is waaayyy too much that what i have expected. It's been weeks since i last talked to her the way i should be talking to. I don't know. I actaully didn't realized that distance and lack of communication plus tampo?? could turn me into such a different person for her. I am guilty. I know. I admit it. But what the hell can I do?? When i know that I can't contain these feelings anymoar. Yeah, I should've kept these things to myself, so that there will be no more fights, no hard feelings [well, for her ayt?], no crying moments. Yeah, i should've. But i didn't, it's just that i can't. I had this very powerful feeling that i should let these emotions out. These past few weeks, I've been trying so hard to communicate with her. But the moar i tried to reach out with her, the moar i get depressed. FRUSTRATED. damn it. she wasn't replying on my messages. Know what it feels? It hurts moar than seeing my boyfriend with other girls. Yeah. I am not exaggerating things here, i was really hurt. I felt that time that i can afford to lose a boyfriend, i can afford to be snatched or whatever.. but hell. i can't take that feeling. that feeling of being ignored by my own bestfriend.
I became so sad to the point that i seek comfort to other people. To other new people in my life, who showed me that I am not a trash, not a robot, not a somebody - na dinidedma, tinatapon at d nasasaktan.They made me laugh, they made me feel okay. But i can never hide it, I am still incomplete. And i still miss the times when I am being crazy, or even emotional with my bestfriend.
Because of the incompleteness, I decided to be really active with my org, in which i am one of the officers. I also engaged myself into the bookshop business, which keeps me busy even at my so-called free time. Acad stuffs made me busy too, plus our family business. The family business that keeps me busy during the night made me forget of that incompleteness. Then, when i get online, people would PM me about this and that. People would make me laugh about almost everything. Every random thing and every chismis that they can share with me. I felt overwhelmed. The schedule and the people who made me happy and busy at the same time, somewhat made me forget about my ever loving bestfriend.
Somewhat in my search of comfort, i found true people, true people that would make me feel better. That would make me feel as complete as i am before. Or even better than that. I don't know. I was too overjoyed by the feeling that they're giving me. Two people made me feel that I am a diamond in their lives, while my missing bestfriend made me feel liek i am a trash. I felt that. So much. I tried to hide it to my friends. Because i can't do anything about it. So that was it. I felt so happy, so happy even without her.
Then just this week, she started to reach out again. But I never felt that same feeling anymoar. I didn't feel the same bestfriend anymoar. I was deeply searching for that feeling of happiness for my bestfriend is contacting me already. But it felt like a normal friend reaching out. I never felt that happiness anymore. In my search for the same feeling, I found bitterness and angst. I hate it. I tried to hide it. But my efforts are useless. i wasn;t able to contain it. I tried so hard not to be rude, not to be indifferent, but i was never successful.
For two days, we've been communicating again. That communication, that i know, isn't that good as before. I know she felt it. She knows me. And i know that she felt how indifferent i am. I really made her feel that way. Because of the fact that i still have in mind the feeling of being ignored.. that same feeling of being a trash in my bestfriend's life. So yeah, then just this morning. I was being poignant about things. I am very annoyed with myself. Reason?? i wasn't able to wake up by 11 which results to something really bad. So yeah. I wasn't in the mood to understand things. even Petty things. While we were on the middle of our Ym conversation, she signed out. I was so damn hurt. I know, it's shallow. But what can i do? im being so sensitive these days. I was waiting for her sorry but that never came. Then afternoon came, we we're plurking. http://www.plurk.com/eizzed http://www.plurk.com/maridarl It came to a point where we are really fighting. I never tought i would have the courage to do that. To post those stuffs. Because before, I was really trying so hard not to hurt her. But yeah, I felt like i dont have that responsibility of not hurting her anymoar. Sabi ko pa, HINDI LANG NAMAN AKO ANG KELANGANG UMINTINDI SA KANYA. My mind was really not functioning well. i even told Biep tinay that i think i can afford to lose her. That I think i dont fcking care if i'll lose her or what. She's kinda naiirita na with me because of what i am saying, but she has no choice but to understand me. haha. enough with biep. xxD
We ended up talking to each other after the parinig thingy. She said sorry, i said okay. Because i know that i am always willing to be her friend. And i'll always be staying as her friend. Take note: FRIEND. Coz ryt now, I don't fcking know where to place myself. I dont think i can still be her bestfriend. I dont think she still wants me to be. Afte what happened. And i think i am still not willing to bring back that same old dess for her. For i know, i still have to do sometyhing. Something to make up for her. And i asl know. that deep inside me, i am looking for something. Some effort from her to bring back the way we used to be.
But what if i am willing.. NOT?? or its the other way around. I dont know anymoar.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009,8:38 AM
Why didn't I placed this post in my very public blog?! Read it and you'll know.Heart Status: Wannabe HIATUS
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Way back last year, my eyes were glued unto PHOTOGRAPHY and photographers are what I admire most. Events and more happenings in our city were conducted and I got a chance to see this ever pogee chinito guy. My eyes were 1st attracted to the camera that he's using then next is his physical appearance. After sometime, I saw him again during a wedding wherein I sang in the chorale. Duh?!!! Till there such a time when I was just browsing thru the world of Friendster, when I accidentally dropped by his page. Of course, I did add him not thinking if he might be accepting or rejecting my invitation. Then,now we're friends, last June 12 during the Independence parade. I saw him with his camera, since I already knew his name,I was like saying to my friends "si Shan o!"..I like looking at him, i dunno why.The day after that, out of boredom I gave him a comment saying "i saw you yesterday during the Indep.Day parade...." after a day he did replied. He asked me to add his Facebook account so did I did it.
He pm'd me in FB asking where is my location in our city and so did I gave my address, we were talking random things..exchange of digits, and he did asked me if he can fetch me from school..*tralalala..my crushee is now my friend. He's nice and chatting with him has never been boring.
This morning, we did texted each other. Still talking about random things, he then asked me if we can eat lunch together. Honestly, I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO,it's a chance/opportunity,etc. but then I realized that I wasn't able to finish my sanaysay and assgt.in Adv.Chem so I just declined the invitation. It's his treat,u knw..
He's been stucked up in my mind for minutes and even hours. i SHOULD NOT like him 'coz i heard some rumors that are wtf! true.. He's elder than me, 6 yrs.elder I guess but he looks very young.
Oh Daisy Mae!! can you just have a REALITY CHECK?!! get yourself out of that feeling or you'll might end up being HURT.
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he might be but he's NOT..
i have this SO CALLED school crush named Cyril Dominic, he's nice,smart, and pogee.. we've been friends since we're in the same club name STEP. during our sci.camp though he's always with his gf, i just smile though jealousy is being formed. his gf and i are even friends. *im friendly,super friendlu,ultrmegafriendlyy...since our buildings are quite far from each other, my feelings for him were buried, but we when meet thru the hallways, we just smile to each other.
now that our building is ONE...they are on the 2nd floor level while we are on the 1st. i often see him, since i'm THIS crazy.whenever he pass by, i SEMI-freak out which my buds believe that i still like him. WE'RE FRIENDS,,duh!! they are very malicious minded. i BET, cyril knew that i like him..but oOoh! he's wrong..this afternoon on my way out the campus. I looked up on the 2nd floor level and did saw him. He was staring at me for a long time,who cares?!! again, WE'RE FRIENDS..when i was already outside the campus, tricycles we're limited and my friends and i decided to walk 'till i noticed that Cyril was just near behind our backs. Then my classmates we're teasing me "dais,db c cyril na?",, don't forget to add the maximum volume of their voices.oh well..what a day..
God bless and long live SuJu
He pm'd me in FB asking where is my location in our city and so did I gave my address, we were talking random things..exchange of digits, and he did asked me if he can fetch me from school..*tralalala..my crushee is now my friend. He's nice and chatting with him has never been boring.
This morning, we did texted each other. Still talking about random things, he then asked me if we can eat lunch together. Honestly, I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO,it's a chance/opportunity,etc. but then I realized that I wasn't able to finish my sanaysay and assgt.in Adv.Chem so I just declined the invitation. It's his treat,u knw..
He's been stucked up in my mind for minutes and even hours. i SHOULD NOT like him 'coz i heard some rumors that are wtf! true.. He's elder than me, 6 yrs.elder I guess but he looks very young.
Oh Daisy Mae!! can you just have a REALITY CHECK?!! get yourself out of that feeling or you'll might end up being HURT.
-----------------------------
he might be but he's NOT..
i have this SO CALLED school crush named Cyril Dominic, he's nice,smart, and pogee.. we've been friends since we're in the same club name STEP. during our sci.camp though he's always with his gf, i just smile though jealousy is being formed. his gf and i are even friends. *im friendly,super friendlu,ultrmegafriendlyy...since our buildings are quite far from each other, my feelings for him were buried, but we when meet thru the hallways, we just smile to each other.
now that our building is ONE...they are on the 2nd floor level while we are on the 1st. i often see him, since i'm THIS crazy.whenever he pass by, i SEMI-freak out which my buds believe that i still like him. WE'RE FRIENDS,,duh!! they are very malicious minded. i BET, cyril knew that i like him..but oOoh! he's wrong..this afternoon on my way out the campus. I looked up on the 2nd floor level and did saw him. He was staring at me for a long time,who cares?!! again, WE'RE FRIENDS..when i was already outside the campus, tricycles we're limited and my friends and i decided to walk 'till i noticed that Cyril was just near behind our backs. Then my classmates we're teasing me "dais,db c cyril na?",, don't forget to add the maximum volume of their voices.oh well..what a day..
God bless and long live SuJu
Thursday, June 4, 2009,8:38 AM
Let me get this straight..I miss my bestfriend, ODESSA..we may have not seen each other personally but deep in our hearts, we know we are both beautiful..:)) We've not talked for a couple of days and it makes me sick..capital SICK...i dont knw what's going on with her right now,hope she's fine..I want to know the reason behind her siggy now..what's going on lesbii?!! I superduperlove her..I'm doing my best to join the Research contest event that the grand finals will be in Cam.Sur,,it's suppose to be a secret..darn it!! i misssss her,,if only Dipolog is just a meter away from her place, then i'll go with her looking for boylets..i mean,yah..that's it..im soo random now,, it's 11:40 pm here..doing this blog while studying lessons,..------------------
Aside from Odessa, there's also this guy who lets me think to go on with the world and give love..it's Odessa's tatay,not her biological dad..the other way around..my Julius,your from ftalk?so you probably know him..during my active days in ftalk way back last year, it's with Odessa that i've shared my kilig moments, my ka o.ahan,emotional effects regarding with Julius.. without Julius, the bond between dess and me will never be this strong..antagal na pla naming mag ON ni odessa!!lesbii mode..i never got tired in loving him, my ibang dumating pero d nila kayang punuan ang presence ni Julius, syempre "everyone is unique in their own single way!"..i regret the times when i gave love to a person who just broke my trust..i just did that thing just to see if Julius is jealous but he's the manhid type na "ahh..ok!"..echoooz.npapabakla naq,..
101 confession
nung cnagot q c pipap,, c julius lng naman ang nsa puso q..d naman panakip butas kasi at least i gave love to pipap..i cried a river when i knew that i was being played,why?because im still 15 and he's **?!alam q ring masaktan kahit baliw ako..kahit 1 bilyong beses niya pang sabihing he never did played but that's what i've felt..he played emotions,ano ako manhid?im not that blind and numb...this is not a rant,isn't it?!!
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end na muna...
sana mabsa ito ni odessa
Friday, May 1, 2009,9:34 PM
This is to support my blog friend Jogzz.
If you wish to support him to, kindly download this and send him an e-mail (jogzzkie[at]yahoo.com) containing the link:) CLICK THIS TO DOWNLOAD
Finally! Head-Turner is proud to announce it’s very first contest. A few weeks back i had a tremendous great response for my special surprise. Because of that i have decided to make an official contest open to everyone. Yes, it doesn’t matter if you’ve already have your own domain.
Requirements to Join:
• Post a Blog Entry about this Contest.
-Let me know how determine you are to win.
• Follow Head Turner at Twitter.
• Follow Miss Angel at Plurk.
• Comment on this entry with “i support Head Turner’s first official Contest”.
To Gain Points:
• Blog about this Contest [5points per entry].
• Comment on the entries on this blog (date before April 12 does not count) [4points].
• Grab this Badge and post it in your sidebar [4points].
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• Refer friends by having them leave a comment and stating they were referred here by you. Ask them to add either your email or blog url [2points].
Instruction:
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Every 1-1/2 week i will personally post an update on the points collected of each contest participant. I will provide all necessary details and information needed to show the Highest Scorer.
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Officially Opened: April 12, 2009
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Announcement of Winner: May 15-18, 2009
Goodluck to Jogzz
================================
KUNG MABAIT KA, PAKILAGAY NAMAN UNG MGA BUTTONS DIN NATO SA SIDEBAR MO PLEASE??
CGE KAHIT ISANG BUTTON LANG=)) PERO MAS MAGANDA KUNG LAHAT LOL
================================
LAST.. PAKIPOST NAMAN PO NG COMMENT SA http://headturner.org/?p=181 SAYING NA YOUR SUPPORTING ME :) IF NAGAWA NEO PO PWEDE PAKISEND SAKIN? PLEASE.. I NEED TO WIN PO KASI :(
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!
- JOGZZ -
Thursday, April 30, 2009,1:46 AM
just liek what i've said..u wont lose me.. u won't unless u want it.
gaining friends is normal in our lives.. and u know what?
people come and go.. but despite the fact that everyone does,
i wont let daixee go out of my life.. unless she wants to.. because a friend liek her should be treasured..
i loev her liek my life. :D but unfortunately.. i dont have a life. ahha :]]
laalal. kidding..
okei.. the spam ends here.
lalala ü
,1:15 AM
i admit it.i've been very selosa these past few days..haay nku!!
tapos my cold war pa kmi ng isa jan, pero good thing ok na kmi now..
she's loving ltter U...hahaha..but i love letter D more..duh..
daisz and desz
i love her as much as i love myself
the question is: do i loev myself?
hahaha
of corz i do
i cried last nyt and this morning
coz of the ffff cold war
bang!
tapos my cold war pa kmi ng isa jan, pero good thing ok na kmi now..
she's loving ltter U...hahaha..but i love letter D more..duh..
daisz and desz
i love her as much as i love myself
the question is: do i loev myself?
hahaha
of corz i do
i cried last nyt and this morning
coz of the ffff cold war
bang!
Friday, April 24, 2009,7:31 PM
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